Hot Nude Yoga: The Return - Week 1 of 4

Okay, so go back and read Hot Nude Yoga: The Return - Prologue to get caught up. This is part 1 of 4.

So as you remember, I spoke with my therapist about my nerves in taking this yoga workshop

TANTRIC YOGA AND SEXUAL KUNG FU

As you could understand, I'm sure. I just didn't want to be penetrated.

I mean, right? I'm not a spit on the hand kinda guy. Not to be crude, but this is Loo's View and it's not always a clean view. Sometimes there's a bit of dirt on the rosebud colored sunglasses.

I think my main concern is that I'd embarrass myself. I was the kid who would be the butt of the joke. So if I was with a group of classmates and they said, let's go skinny dipping, I'm the kid who would be game and would turn a bright shade of red when I realized that I was the first one with the clothes off and in the water. And everyone was just interested to see who the first fool to drop trou. Well, that kid is me. Always has been. I'm a little too game for anything.

So I was having flashbacks to being fourteen and being the awkward, gawky skeletal kid. So I didn't want to be the first kid to get excited while everyone was perfectly in control (i.e. flaccid). Well, rest assured, kids. I wasn't.

CHECK POINT 1: THIS WOULD THE POINT IN THE BLOG THAT ANYONE WHO IS A FACEBOOK FRIEND/RELATIVE OF MY BOYFRIEND SHOULD STOP AND THINK VERY CAREFULLY. IF YOUR OPINION OF ME IS GOING TO CHANGE HEARING ABOUT MY NUDE OBSERVATIONS IN YOGA CLASS, THEN TURN BACK NOW.

For the rest of you (hee, hee...btw, I think my late grandmother Mona would be listening, ears akimbo. She loved this sort of stuff. Just hearing her voice in my head saying "Oh, get out! Ay, loco!" makes me want to cry)...

The class is crowded, btw. With people who basically are hoping that this turns into a circle jerk. Not to be crass...well, actually I enjoy being crass. But that's seriously what was going on. We were about 25 crammed in that place. A lot of Lookie Loos (no pun intended). AND I WAS ONE OF THEM. The thing that I actually love about my Not Nude Yoga practice is that I get really into the feeling of the yoga practice and being in my own body. As much as there might be eye candy around me, it makes me incredibly internal.

So Loren is the guy leading the class. And Dana, my favorite yogi in his Brooklynese, is there helping out to adjust us and lead us through the yoga stuff. I talk about Dana in my Season One musings about HNY. He's a breath of fresh air. So these two cute guys are leading the class and we start out with what's called Breath of Fire which is like hyperventilating. And Belly Breathing, where we're supposed to extend out stomachs out while we're inhaling. At that point, all vanity has to go out the window. Because that shit looks cute on someone with a six pack, but someone like me with a smooth tummy...well, I look like an ad from Save the Children. Sorry. But that's the visual.

At this point, it just feels like a lot of nude lamaze. Then Loren tells us to grab our testicles.

CHECK POINT 2: NO, REALLY IN-LAWS. PLEASE STOP READING NOW.

What you're supposed to do is gently pull on your testicles in accordance to your age. So if you're 25, then it's 25 times. So I start tugging...hey, nice. And it's good for the health and energy flow and it feels good. Okay. I'm getting into it. Then he has us grab our "friend" and flop it up and down, so that it's slapping around. Okay, now I feel like I'm five and I'm in my Underroos. This is a bit silly. Then he excitedly says a phrase that I will never forget:

"This is where the man juice comes from." Snot flies out of my nose. I swear, it's snot.

Is it inappropriate to laugh so hard your side hurts in yoga class? Isn't there a connection between enlightenment and humor? I'm considering myself incredibly enlightened at this point. And actually, I'm feeling relaxed and I'm enjoying myself. It's kind of silly, but it's enjoyable. I'm smiling.

Then he says that sometimes about how this is when people can start getting aroused. Well, that just did it. It just went from silly to something else. And yes, at this point, I did look around. And yes, it's what you expect. So I won't go into further detail. I'm sure your dirty minds can do a much better job than I can at painting a pretty darn good picture.

And that was about five minutes. Other exercises happened. Very sincere exercises.

So once things settled down, we continued with our practice. Stretching and downward dogging and letting our minds empty out. It was incredibly meditative. I guess this is the part where I should say that I get a lot from this practice. And this a humorous blog, which means no disrespect to this practice. But I actually do believe that enlightenment and humor are connected. We can't take ourselves so seriously. We can't be so quick to judge. And there's no quicker way to get rid of judgment than to strip down, expose your short or not so short comings and just breathe. Get over it, right?

We then went through a series of exercises, which can be better explained on Loren's website, www.rawtantra.com. And we finished up with partner work. The partner yoga was a lot of thai massage, which is a lot of pressure and release (not that kind of release). I learned a lot. I love massage. Giving and getting. For me, it's about the healing quality of touch. It just feels good. It's simple. Not a lot of thought or analyzing to that. It just feels good. I think that was the lesson of this workshop. Yeah, it's fun and silly and profound and educational and feels good. It made me focus on being present.

But the massage part was great because I learned that I don't have to cramp up my hands giving my boyfriend a massage. I can use my body to apply pressure that feels good, but doesn't tire me out. And it is sensual to lay your body on someone. It's connection.

So I left the workshop not feeling nervous. And not being penetrated unexpectantly and unwillingly. But with a sense of energy and awareness that carried me into that week and lead to an incredible amount of productivity in that following week. It was pretty amazing.

And I left with a smile on my face. Enlightened.