Out There

I don't really know what I'm going to write until it comes together. I had an interesting end of the week. My friend Elyzabeth has this saying when she starts getting a little envious of someone and she says that she's not "keeping her eyes on her own paper." Remember in school when someone would get tempted to cheat, the teacher would say, "Keep your eyes on your own paper." Well a lot of us do that in life. We look around to see how successful someone else is or how much their failing in order to gauge how we feel about ourselves. We spend so much time looking at other people's papers that we don't focus on our own.

And I was guilty of that last week. I try to be the goody goody and not feel those things, but my therapist says it's normal to have those feelings. And my friend Steve said the same thing. I owe him a drink for that sage advice. My friend not my therapist. Although I'm sure I owe my therapist a couple of rounds as well.

I had my jealous moment. My jealous cry. My jealous trip to the Pavillions where I bought all sorts of feel good foods. I wouldn't even say junk food. The act of cooking makes me feel good. Chopping and sauteing and mixing and being creative in the kitchen. Another analogy that comes to mind from therapy is that when I'm cooking I don't spend all of my time worried about other people's opinions. I know it's good. They taste it and give their approval, but I'm not hanging on every word. It's a nice end result, but not the goal.

Why can't I do that with my writing? Everyone's opinion matters. Not that notes are not helpful, but I place my value in other people's hands constantly. Ugh. Stop it already, Loo. Just stop it.

I've soaked in the tub. I've had the "get productive" talk with myself. I've had the "keep your eyes on your own paper" talk as well. And now it's Sunday. I've been working on re-outlining and just taking some good character notes. Now I'm at the self-motivation, think positive end of the sentence. But in order to get there, I had to have the "I want all of these great career successes to happen to me" moment. Why deny myself that?

Without it I wouldn't have had that great feeling of strolling through the aisles at the West Hollywood Pavillions. Not to cruise, just to luxuriate in the florescent lighting and the many different sections of the store. On a Friday night, my favorite time to go grocery shopping. I do a lot of things that make me feel like an older person. I also love an early bird special at a diner. Anyway...

I had to start looking within and taking care of myself. That moment of jealousy was a brilliant reminder that my paper is the only thing that will make me happy. Looking outward only makes me frustrated. I'll get there. Just one step, one page, one thought at a time. But I'll get there. I've written countless plays, tv specs, pilots, etc. utilizing that exact philosophy.

I've spent some time out there looking around and now it's time to come back inside and settle in. Happy Sunday everybody.